Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Little Lone Gray Hair

I'm completely bald now.
 
But there's one little strand of gray hair on my left temple.
 
That resilient strand of gray hair that won't fall out. I tried to pull her out but I've got peripheral neuropathy in my fingers so it's hard to get a grip on her. 
 
As I look upon that one lone strand of gray hair an eyesore on this chocolate scalp of mine and suck my teeth at it in irritation, it dawns on me; THAT'S ME!! My baldness reflects breast cancer and that little strand of stubborn gray hair is me standing firm! Resilient! Tough! Refusing to bow into the mental angst that is plaguing me at this time. I am going to continue to be resilient. I can't give in. I can't continue this pity party I started for myself this morning. After all, I've been at it for hours and no guests have arrived!! Mscheww! Well it's a good thing. Let me get out of this funk. One day at a time we always say. One day at a time.
 
It's been 3 months since I was diagnosed. Since this whole saga started.  I'm tired. Mentally and physically tired. I'm not used to this. It's weighing down my psyche. But I must persevere. I salute all the persons whom have trod this road before me and who are on this journey right now and for those who will unfortunately travel this road in the future. It is well. Like the song says;
 
"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say it is well; it is well with my soul."
 
"God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day and he will not be slow to answer. Luke 18:7"
 
So befitting it was that this song started to play during the height of my pity party and I do so much love this song that it definitely helped reboot & reset my brain and I had to come to the conclusion that it was time to "put on my big girl panties" and shake off the "me, me, me". Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir's;
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, you are more than enough for me, Jehovah Rapha you are my healer by your stripes I have been set free, Jehovah Shamma you are with me and you supply all my needs. You're more than enough, more than enough, you're all I need, you are more than enough for me. 
 
Thank you Lord for letting me see that lone strand of hair and remembering that you are carrying me and I am not alone. You are more than enough for me. In all things, I continue to praise and worship you. 
 
No matter what your circumstances are, remember that you are not alone, no matter how bad the pain, the sorrow, the angst, you are not alone, you must believe that up above, the healer of all healers, the lover of your soul, the Master, our Holy Father is embracing and comforting you. You may not feel it now but you will. Trust me you will. Do not despair.  He is more than enough.  Yes; he's more than enough for you.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

DEFEAT

My first cycle of chemotherapy was on December 30th, 2013.  Thanks to my work mother Barbara Capella for surprising me by showing up with my goodie bag and for providing emotional support to me, my hubby and my Mommy. 

I rang in the New Year curled up on my sofa wrapped up in blankets in pain.
Nope! I won't be defeated.

Day 3 after chemo, I started to experience horrible bone pain I wouldn't wish on nobody, muscle & joint pain, fatigue, generalized weakness, skin pain, dry skin, skin discoloration, intense stomach pain; I'm short of breath climbing stairs, my mouth is dry, I lost my sense of taste.
Nope! I won't be defeated.

One week after chemo, I was diagnosed with shingles.  For real.  Shingles.  What the hell???  My feet tingle, my balance is off, I'm not able to comfortably wear my heels.  My heels are my fashion signature.
Nope! I won't be defeated.

On Friday night, I had my first ever true nosebleed. Saturday morning, I woke up at 4 am with a nosebleed that was pretty intense.  I hit up my prayer group "Daughters of Grace". They have been uplifting me in prayer every morning at 5:30am.  Our God is an answering God!!
Of course! I won't be defeated.

Today, Sunday 1/12/14 I was chilling with some friends who came to visit and I felt something in my right eye, it was a couple of strands of hair. I ran my fingers through my hair and I said to my husband and friends " E don set ooo.  My hair is falling out". 

It's official. I'm going through chemotherapy for breast cancer.

My lower lip quivered, my eyes welled up.  I excused myself for a brief moment.  I went to the bathroom.  Looked at my already very short haircut, instinctively ran my fingers through my scalp and more hair was in my hand.
Tears, sadness, reality.  This is my reality.
Am I going to be defeated? 

I'm tired.  I have hopefully just 3 more cycles, then 8 rounds of radiation.  Others before me have done this.  Others after me will do this.  I wouldn't wish this on nobody. I don't have a choice. 
I won't be defeated.  I refuse to accept defeat.

Lately, I've been meditating on 1 Peter 5:6-11 and my favorite verses are 7 & 10 which read;
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
But the God of all grace who hath called us into his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered for a while, will make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
 
Believe it or not whenever I read it and think about it, It makes me smile!!!  The promises!  So many promises and all I gotta do is trust & obey.

Thanks for the prayers, calls, shout outs, inspiring messages, I am humbled and immensely grateful.  This is not a journey that one should take alone.  I pray for those who are going through difficult times to be sent the blessings of a support system that I myself have been blessed to have.

Happy 12th day of the New Year 2014, stay well, stay blessed and p.s. CHECK YOUR BREASTS.

Chidinma
 
 
 1st day of chemotherapy.  On my way to "Permanent healing". Of course Mommy was there! Just love her!!!!